How Do You Pick Up The Pieces?

Tryin' to find my wayhome

Depression does not always mean
Beautiful girls shattering at the wrists
A glorified, heroic battle for your sanity
Or mothers that never got the chance to say good-bye

Sometimes depression means
Not getting out of bed for three days
Because your feet refuse to believe
That they will not shatter upon impact with the floor

Sometimes depression means
That summoning the willpower
To go downstairs and do the laundry
Is the most impressive thing you accomplish that week

Sometimes depression means
Lying on the floor staring at the ceiling for hours
Because you cannot convince your body
That it is capable of movement

Sometimes depression means
Not being able to write for weeks
Because the only words you have to offer the world
Are trapped and drowning and I swear to God I’m trying

Sometimes depression means
That every single bone in your body aches
But you have to keep going through the motions
Because you are not allowed to call in to work depressed

Sometimes depression means
Ignoring every phone call for an entire month
Because yes, they have the right number
But you’re not the person they’re looking for, not anymore

—Hannah Nicole (via bl-ossomed)

(Source: stellines, via lovedyoubeautifully)

How did life end up like a deck of cards? Knowing which to throw out, which to keep. Wasn’t being truthful and passionate enough? Life just seems wicked now.

How did life end up like a deck of cards? Knowing which to throw out, which to keep. Wasn’t being truthful and passionate enough? Life just seems wicked now.

2-3 kgs gained and I already look like a potato. Well done.

Never enough..

I have always been told that I was never smart enough, thin enough, attractive enough, good enough. They are starting to ring true in my head. I don’t know how to love myself enough..

It’s been awhile..

It’s been 6 months since I last logged in.

So much has changed.

I felt happy moving back home for awhile. But slowly, the darkness began to creep in again and I have no idea why.

I still don’t love myself enough, I still have no one. I thought coming back home, things would be the same. Same friends and same things. But everything has changed so much. And I realised, I never had much friends to begin with.

And life is miserable all over again.

Trying to deep a lil deeper to understand why, but I am just drawing blanks. Maybe I am just miserable. but luckily misery can be fixed. I just do not know how. I need to find how. And i need a fix.

There are days when I feel like I want to give up on life, it’s so difficult. But I also want to stick it out and hand life the finger and say I MADE IT.

I just want my happiness and I need to find it.

They say you need to love yourself before anyone else can love you. But what if you can’t even love yourself? Does that mean no one will ever love you?

1 step back = 2 steps forward

I know I am leaving this country that has been good to me for the past 3+ years to head home. 

I am reluctant, but I am telling myself 1 step backward=2 steps forward. It better be worth it.

I need to find the reasons why I am reluctant to go home. Isn’t it good? Home? You have

- your own bed/room
- comfort
- car
- friends and family
Aren’t those reasons good enough?

Maybe I have been out on my own for so long that I love my own space. that I idealise the idea of making it on my own, except that I am not. And maybe it’s time to tuck that tail between the legs and head on home. 

Coming here, I had dreams. Dreams that I could save up, and be married within 3 years alongside with being on my own. Hoping and wishing that the significant other would join me eventually. Looking back, I came here for love. And now, it’s gone, I don’t feel like i belong here. Like I have nothing to look forward here except absolute freedom, less noise and less nagging. But I also don’t feel like myself here any more. I feel plastic. 

If there are any reasons for me to justify tucking that tail and heading home, it would be to find myself again and be myself. And then maybe, the next time I leave, I would be happier going where I am going. 

Keep telling myself 1 step back = 2 steps forward. For career and future. TWO steps forward. 

If only..

If I knew that hugging you goodbye would be the last time I would see you, I would have made everything more worthwhile one year ago.

You’re nothing but memories now.

The saying goes “if you can’t get someone out of your head, maybe they are meant to stay there”

And if I had to choose all over again, it would still be you.

One year and still hoping to see you..
8 months of not speaking and I still yearn to hear your voice or see a text from you everyday..

Pikachu says ” I choose you” and I couldn’t agree more.