How Do You Pick Up The Pieces?

This does not define me, but somehow it does.

I have been feeling pretty light headed, exhausted and having back pains lately. Am losing weight too though I have not been going to the gym as much as I would like to. 

I have scheduled an appointment with the doctor 2 Mondays from now. Hopefully the Colposcopy will tell me what’s going on and that the things I am experiencing above are just a coincidence and not related.

I just want to be ok. 

Have not spoken to anyone about these except for the three guys that I really trust (not dating/dated). I have not confided in a GF as well because I feel that they will judge seeing how Asia is still pretty much conservative when it comes to sex and STDs. 

I know that this does not define me and it’s a mistake that I am paying for right now. It does help a little that there is a plethora of support here on Tumblr and I am so grateful for those that has left me messages (sorry, I tried to send a message but I haven’t been following long enough to send a message or the ask box didn’t have a send button). 

However, my insecurities are eating me up and the thought of my mother knowing what a lil skank I am when she goes to the doctors with me (she insists) is killing me. 

Two Mondays from now or maybe three, we will know. I just WANT to be OK. Emotionally and physically. 

I miss you. You have no idea how much I need to have your arms around me now, so that I can feel better.
But the fact is even if you may worry about me, you don’t know how to show it or you won’t.

Today. Life Changing.

Today has been a life changing day. 

I had an abnormal pap recently and I did another one to be sure along with the HPV DNA profiling test. It came back POSITIVE, HIGH RISK. The PRE CANCEROUS strain. 

The moment I heard it, I was surprisingly very calm about it, as compared to the first pap where I almost teared in front of the doctor. I read up about it as much as I could, it’s a common virus that affects most people who has been sexually active. You can’t run away from it. It’s preventable, but yet, I contracted it. All because of one mistake. 

I have always advocated monogamy. And that I can’t even bear exchanging saliva with anyone that I am not seeing. It helped that I was in a long term relationship. but it all changed when he cheated on me on our 4th year. From then, I toyed with the idea of getting even and I did, but yet i practised safe sex. I thought that as long as I had a condom on, I am protected. Then, in our 6-7th year, he dumped me after cheating on me with a skank (we were in a LDR) and stupidly, I was still hanging on to him. We slept together once more after the breakup and I found out then, he gave me HSV1 ( which never reflared and I did a test 1 year after the first outbreak and it came back negative. Still don’t know if that was a pseudo flare or not).

Then came the feeling of being lost. I wanted to remain single. I did, but I got tired of being the miss goody two shoes and I hooked up with some random people I met online. At the back of my  head, there was always this voice warning me, but I never paid any attention to it because I kind of enjoyed it. Then, I stopped for awhile.

Then came this guy, I have known him for awhile. He’s charming and all, and I also know he does get around., I did rememebr telling myself, no fooling around with him, he’s trouble. But I do not know why, I got into a cab that night and followed him home. 

One week later, i had my annual pap and here I am now. HPV+. I guess I deserved this due to me spiralling out of control. But I needed the attention and I needed to be touched. But was the mistake worth it? Not at all. I do feel filthy, disgusted and angry at myself. Much like how I felt when I found out i had HSV, but got over it since getting a negative test back and the doctor convinced me that I do not  have it. But now, when I think of this HPV thing, my mind starts to unravel and wonder too far ahead. 

What if I can’t have kids?
What if no one can accept me cos of my filthy past?
What if i have passed this on unknowingly to someone because of my own irresponsibility? (though the guys I fooled around with weren’t saints to begin with….)

And I begin to be negative. So convinced that no one is going to want me once they find out about this. And it kills me because I was never this promiscuous person. All I ever wanted was to have a family and have kids. And to top it off, My besties do not understand. I have gotten comments like, ” you know what you have and yet you still hook up with people” in reference to me just spending innocent time with a guy I am interested in and possibly vice versa. I never told him about any of this, and nothing is ever going to happen because I cannot imagine ever having to tell him these and hurt him. 

I am a mess. I regret spiralling out of control. And I do not want to be this person any more. But the damage is done. All I want to do now is to scrape these invasive cells out of my system and start afresh. I am scheduling a colposcopy + biopsy as soon as next week and we will see how from there. 

Girls, if you ever get here after reading my long assed drama above, please please always listen to that voice in your head. It’s not worth it. All the vaccination in the world can never protect you entirely from all viruses. It’s rather unfair for us girls to bear the brunt of this and the guys not having any symptoms except when warts grow on them man parts. Men are nothing but trouble for sure as we display more symptoms than them and suffer more than them. 

Don’t get me wrong. I am not laying off men. But I certainly will think twice many times before having sex again, let alone have oral sex and him fingering me on  something that’s casual.

Today is indeed a life changing day. And I feel numb towards it. Normal?

Downward spiral

I seem to be on that path to destruction. Myself and everything in my path. And no one cares enough to save me, even if someone did, I wouldn’t want to save me.

It’s been two days since I cut ties with a supposed good friend. 15 years. I have been very forgiving and tolerant. But not when i get insulted repeatedly just cos I thought something refered to me and I asked out of CURIOSITY. Plus they were so coincidental to what we exchanged. So, can you blame me? But anyway, I cut ties, and it seems like everyone is siding with the insulter and the insulted is left alone. And they ask me why i always feel this way, insulted.

It’s ok. I am already on the path to destruction. There are also abnormal cells in my body, could be cancerous or not. Maybe tomorrow will be the day I find out if I will get really sick and prolly self destruct. Better that way isnt it? For me gone.

unfortunately your loose tongue cost you my friendship. Have a good life. 

So you who call yourself my friend..first you call me incompetent and you deny it. Now you call me stupid and moronic after our exchange on fb? I can’t say those tweets weren’t coincidental. I wouldn’t believe it.

Sometimes, the friends you let into your life are the ones who treat you like dirt.